I’ve been reading a book that I think will bless many women. Really, it’s pretty great overall. But as I was reading it, I realized that there is a huge, ginormous difference between the life I live and the life of the woman who wrote this book.
We’re both Christian and we both love the same Lord. I know that her words will be a balm to many who are busying themselves to death and beyond without ever considering that their souls need to breathe. Many of her words were a balm to my own soul, especially as I wrangle with children day in and day out. And while I’m sure we could be friends, I realized that my lifestyle didn’t fit hers.
This isn’t news to me. In fact, it’s why I loved blogging about all things green and natural at Sisters ‘N Cloth. Even if people did have money, they were looking for ways of not spending it. But it’s more than that, too. It’s more than a lifestyle difference. It’s even more than growing up as a pastor’s kid and now leading with my husband in ministry.
Guys, I’m a square peg. Plain and simple. I’m Southern, but not too Southern. I’m churchy, but I am growing in ways that are anything but. I’m quiet, I’m crafty, I’m creative, and I’m a mom of 3 under 4. My mind misplaces itself most days, and others? Well, even when I’m on my A-game, like today, I have my moments. (Ahem, like try waiting in Walmart with 3 kids under 4 who are all tired while the mechanics work to replace the headlight. Or any trip with 3 kids under 4.)
Here’s the deal, and maybe you’ve heard this before, but square pegs don’t fit into round holes.
And, guys, I’ve been trying to saw off and slim down and force myself to be part of that round hole. It’s not working.
I’m slowly, slowly seeing me. These layers, the things that I’ve thought I should be, the daily questioning, it’s unraveling, bit by bit. And in this unraveling, I’m praying that God will work to knit it back. Stronger, maybe, but back into the place where it, where I, need to be.
Here’s the deal. I’m not going to write to have more words on the Internet. Words are not important. What’s behind them is. I’m not going to force anything out that shouldn’t be, and I’m not about to devalue the lives of those who have poured into me. My words, all of them, will be uplifting, and all of my words will be full of praise.
I’m still going to work on The Creative Spirit. 30 weeks, right? This is the second post in that series. Because, honestly, I need to know who I am before I can let go of who I’m not. It’s only then that I can create with the Spirit.