Three months ago, I was up, awake with labor pains that had kept me from a nap already needed. And I stayed awake for at least two more days…for some reason I couldn’t sleep for more than an hour with my sweet girl in this world!
She’s still keeping me awake at night…not because she feeds often or even stays awake for very long. Nope…I just love holding her close in these sweet moments. Feeling her breathe against my chest, hearing her sighs. They are right up there with her big grins, giggles, and almost-laughs. Two years ago, I would have given anything for the incredible blessings I have now, and I try to stay mindful of that.
I’m not going to lie: I still feel like she is going to be taken from me any second. Which may be a blessing in disguise because I am forced to give her to God every moment of every day. The reality is that she isn’t mine, and I can’t live like she is. She is God’s. He has lent her to me, and every single minute with her is a grace-gift from Him.
I don’t feel that way very often, honestly. When she’s fussy, the last thing I want to do is be grateful for her. When she wakes me up at night, I don’t want to enjoy her or even hold her. I just want to sleep! But when I look into her eyes and see that she needs me, even when I’m tired of having to be there for her, I melt just a little. I am reminded of so many families who have lost babies, who would be ecstatic for one minute of the frustration that I sometimes feel, and I thank God for this miracle…and the miracle happens: I am thankful. Truly thankful. Even for the spit-up, the fussiness, the everywhere-poop, the I-have-to-be-held-and-entertained-NOW cries…all of it when I thank.